Can My Day be a Different Day?

We met with the Doctors today. The first appointment was with Dr. Cole in Radiation Oncology. From the beginning we have known that part of "keeping your breast" as she put it was going to be radiation treatment. While radiation is not good for the body, it has pretty easy side effects and most people my age tolerate it with minimal fatigue and some irritation to the skin ranging from slight sunburn to peeling to blistering. That clears up as soon as radiation is over. There can be some longer term effects inlcuding a change to the size of the breast (swelling or shrinking) and to the color of the skin. Most women are reportedly pleased with the outcome of radiation, given the alternative of a full mastectomy.
I also learned that the correct name for my surgery is "Partial Mastectomy" and "Lumpectomy" is a nick name. Cute, huh? Some women even go so far as to call it a "Lumpy". Hee Hee.

In between the appointments, we had about an hour and a half to hang out so we went in search of a cafe or coffee shop. We ended up on Colby with a Tullys on one side and a homey little cafe on the other. Dan wanted the homey cafe but I wanted a Tullys latte (Venaccio is my fave if anyone is asking btw)...."It's your day" Dan told me, so Tully's it was.

"Umm....can my day be a different day?" I think that's only fair.

The appointment with Dr. Wang, the Medical Oncologist was harder than I thought it would be. She reviewed my history to date and didn't hesitate to tell us that her recommendation was for me to have chemotherapy to help make sure the cancer does not come back. They have removed the tumor and the 3 DCIS ducts, but it is possible that there are other cancerous cells which are not detected which could eventually grow into cancer.

I haven't cried much so far, and I won't say I all out cried, but I did have to fight the tears so that I could listen to what she had to say. I also cried when I first heard the news but once I got over it I went right into "go mode". I wasn't surprised by the cancer but there is a difference between anticipating it, and actually hearing the diagnosis. I felt much the same when hearing the recommendation for chemo. When Dr. Smith said it, chemo was more of an opinion or thought, to be open to it when the discussion comes up. When the "Chemotherapist" as I like to call her says it the suggestion becomes much more real. I asked Dr. Wang all kinds of questions trying to understand why chemo was so beneficial and how it would help me if it was so toxic. Really, I think I was just trying to find a way out of it.

Dr. Wang recommeded the regimen called "Second Generation Regimen" which includes Cytoxan and Taxotere every 3 weeks for 6 cycles, so 18 weeks. This would start the beginning of June, giving my incision time to heal before sending in the very drugs that would prevent the rapidly growing cells from healing the tissue. Side effects include nausea, fatigue some general body aches and probable hair loss.

I have already started to deal with preparing myself for these things, including the hair loss although I'm sure I'll be talking more about that later. While hair loss was the first thing that freaked me out about chemo, it's not really very significant any more. More significant is just that it is going to take so long to get back to 100%. It's hard not knowing how I'm going to feel and whether I can commit to the things that I usually do.

I love all of the comments about my positive attitude but honestly, looking at the bright side of things just works better for me. Being sad or angry or depressed, not so much. So here's a few thoughts:

1) During my pregnancy with Audrey I was nauseus for the full term. That's 40 weeks. This is only going to be 18 weeks, so I can do this.

2) I look good in hats.

3) If I do lose my hair, it will be in the summer - hair is hot, I will be much cooler in the summer.

4) I love scarves and they are so in right now. I will have a great selection to choose from.

5) If you have any bright side comments, I would love to hear them.